There are some songs you are supposed to wonder about. When you think of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer," you don't take it seriously to start with. And then you've got the greedy bribery from "Santa Baby." (She is creative; you've gotta give her that. I have never known anyone to ask for a platinum mine.)
But then there are a few that... well, let's give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the songwriter was really struggling for ideas. Have you really thought about some of these?
1. We Need a Little Christmas
Is there not enough stress in Christmas already as the time ticks down? But no, we need a little Christmas RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. So drop your shopping, wrapping, and baking, because someone is asking you to haul out holly and light candles in the window. It can't wait. And for some reason, any weather problem, such as lack of snow, is your fault too. Yikes, please change the station!
2. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Remember, the child singing this song believes that Santa is an otherwise married man who lives at the North Pole, and Mommy is married to Daddy. This song is not cute, it is messing some kid up. Prepare the therapist.
3. What Child is This?
This was supposedly sung by the Wise Men. Come on, Wise Men. This is the child you have been tracking for years and spent the last year crossing the desert to find. It really shouldn't come to you as a surprise. Duh.*
4. Do You Hear What I Hear?
While we are dealing with question songs, how about finding the right answer for this one? Somehow, a shepherd gains audience with a king and convinces him that the wind told him about one of the many impoverished children in his country. The king listens. A child (a child!) shivers in the cold. What should we bring him? Bring Him a blanket? Bring Him a coat? Bring Him INSIDE? Nope. None of those rhyme with cold, so blocks of metal it is.**
5. Baby It's Cold Outside
"Say, what's in this drink?" I shouldn't need to say more, but then you realize he's seducing a woman dumb enough not to wear a coat in a blizzard.
6. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town
"He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake." Creepy stalker. No thank you- I don't need you sneaking into my house at night.
7. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
OK, thanks for the warm greeting, but hey, watch it now, excuse you… why are these people now forcing themselves into my home demanding food? And not just, "Hey, we're a bit hungry, do you have a bite of anything to eat that you might be able to spare?" No. Figgy pudding, which apparently isn't all that quick to prepare. And not only are they making themselves at home while you cook for these intruders, they will continue to SING for you while you work, declaring their resistance to move. (That last chorus gets repeated, you know.)
8. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Nothing wrong with this song… until you get to the part about scary ghost stories of Christmases long, long ago. Did you catch that? What the heck happened on those Christmases? And why would you want to sing about it?
9. Little Drummer Boy
Mary Just. Had. A baby. What's the one gift you most want when you are that tired, holding a sleeping newborn? That's right. A little boy with a loud, repetitively pounding instrument. (She should have put in her order early for some Ben & Jerry's, like I did.)
10. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
It's the movie that brings the truth of this horrible song to light. Not only did the other reindeer make fun of him, no one else did anything about this situation. In the movie, you can see even his parents are mean to him. Then, Santa only notices Rudolph because he wants to use him. Not a great story.
Now that you will really be thinking about the Christmas songs you sing, keep them in mind for next week, when I write the opposite post here: 10 Christmas Song Lyrics That Really Get It. Enjoy your Christmasy week! (Unless you have some holly to haul out.)
* I never miss a chance to let people know that the Wise Men did not actually reach Jesus and his family for a year or two after the baby was born. They were not present in Bethlehem for the birth. They did not see the shepherds. They were visited by an angel, but it was not necessarily the same angel who proclaimed Jesus's birth to the shepherds. Also, in case you were wondering, there was never any mention in the Bible of there only being 3 Wise Men. If they were carrying gifts as substantial as gold & frankincense, there were more than likely many people in that company.
** A reminder that the king of the region at the time of Jesus's birth was King Herod. Herod was a paranoid man who killed his own son because he thought he might overtake him for the throne. Hearing the word of the birth of a "new king," which by the way came from the Wise Men, not a shepherd, his goal was not to worship him as he pretended. His goal was to kill the child by any means possible, which was why he issued the decree to kill all male children under the age of 2 at that time.
Special thanks for ideas from: Laurie Caruth, David Yonker, Jodi Parks, and Charity Morgan.
Because I love even numbers and lists!