Some things in my life, I always thought were givens. I'm a nice person, so I need to act like it. I'm a neat person, so I need to be neat. I having a working brain. Right?
Well, I've had to alter my whole line of thinking lately. Allow me to let you in on a few conversations I have had with the Holy Spirit about how my life is changing. My daughter's diagnosis with T1D (Type 1 Diabetes) was a bigger change for me than I expected it to be - even 6 months down the line.
We knew my daughter would have to make the most changes, but the rest of the family had to make some too. Well, no one told us it would be easy. And I'm not just talking about what we eat. Here, you will see what I mean.
Me: Oh! I see she finally had her baby. She'll be overwhelmed at home. I should take her a meal to help out.
HS: When did you expect to be able to do that?
Me: At dinner time, of course.
HS: Will that be before or after you make dinner for your family, and how much time are you leaving in there for blood sugar checks and insulin bolusing? If you do that more than 20 minutes before she eats, you risk a drop. And if you wait too long even without the insulin, she could start falling and not catch up quickly enough.
Me: Oh yeah. I'm going to have to pass on helping anyone else out during a mealtime, aren't I? But I always make meals for new mommies. It's killing me that I can't do the extra helping.
HS: Why? Because you really want to help? Or because you want to look like you have your whole life together?
HS: It's harder sometimes to accept help than to offer it, because you have to admit that you are broken, and your best didn't quite make it. But think of it as an opportunity to let others feel what you feel when you help them.
#2: Donating Money
Me: The Readers Association! What a great cause to support. How much should I give?
HS: Well, how much do you have left after buying the pain-free lancing device, the new food scale, the medicines that were not covered by insurance, the organizing shelves, and bags,…
Me: I get it. I'm almost out of money this paycheck. And I really need to support the JDRF, so they can find a cure for diabetes and I won't have to worry about it anymore. But I guess I will pass on the Readers Association, even though I do want kids to read more. I can't give to every cause, even if I think it's worth it.
#3: Looking Good
Me: I'm off to the gym!
HS: Don't forget the phone. The school nurse might call. And you know she usually does.
Me: Thanks for reminding me. I forget a lot of things lately. I hope she doesn't call at the gym today. I really need to get in a good workout. Now to just brush my hair, and I'm off.
<Looking in the mirror>
Me: Yikes! Is this how I really look these days?
HS: Yes, I'm afraid all the late nights and getting up to fix blood sugars give you those dark circles under your eyes. And the stress may account for some of that new grey hair. The wrinkles, though, are probably just from being 40.
Me: Well, I'll have to just fix it with make up.
HS: That's probably not going to happen. If the nurse doesn't call you at the gym, she'll be calling you after… so don't expect time for make up.
Me: Well, at least I don't have to look at myself. Hope everyone else understands!
#4: Remembering Things
Me: OK, I've packed her lunch, counted the carbs, written in the daily log, written the note to the nurse, done her blood sugar, made and gave insulin for breakfast, made sure she has clean socks, checked her backpack for notes. I think she's good to go to school.
HS: Don't forget to calibrate her glucose monitor and attach it to her!
Me: So glad you reminded me. I should be able to remember everything, but with new routines added to the list, I forget a lot of things lately.
HS: I know. We just had this conversation, remember?
#5 Cleaning My House
Me: Where is that book?
HS: Sorry, I don't keep track of things like that.
Me: I know! I'll just clean the whole downstairs until I find it!
HS: Ha ha! Wait, you're serious? How long will your house stay clean if you get it all done today?
Me: Probably until tomorrow.
Me: OK, it will be a wreck again as soon as school lets out.
HS: Then don't bother. Use your time on more important things, like working on reports to the doctor.
Me: It's a waste of my time to clean? I'll go crazy!
HS: You're going to go crazy anyway with everything else you need to do. No need to rush it by doing it yourself.
#6 Thinking an Uninterrupted Thought.
Me: OK. Blog post. Here we go…
HS: Here's what you need to say…
Child: Moooooommmmmm!!! I need you!
Me: Coming! Hold that thought.
Me: I'm back. Blog post. What where you saying?
HS: "The 'Shoulds" I Can't Do Anymore." Make a list of…
Phone: Ring, ring!
Me: Ugh. I have to answer that. I have answer all the calls now. Be right back.
Me: Back again. Where were we?
HS: I don't remember. I forget sometimes too.
Child: Is it time for dinner yet?
… And one "Shouldn't" …
Me: Wow, with all that I'm not doing anymore, everyone's going to think I'm a mooch, a complainer, and a lazy bum.
HS: There you go, thinking about what other people think about you again.
Me: At least I won't be stalking another mother with a screaming child at the grocery store and threaten to call the police on her.
HS: No, but judging that woman for being an overprotective parent isn't any better than her judging you for being a kidnapper, is it?
HS: It's all judging.
Me: I suppose I do have enough to think about. I shouldn't be concerning myself with what everyone else thinks, huh? Especially if I am placing labels on those people too. Thanks.
HS: No problem. That's why I'm here, to guide you. Just do your best, and I'll take care of what is said about you.
Me: I hope you're taking care of a lot more than that!
Passion Under Grace,