T.C. Slonaker, author
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Passion Under Grace

My thoughts as a Christian wife, mother, author, person.

I'm Crazy.* There. I said it.

10/16/2013

2 Comments

 
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So last week was officially Mental Health Awareness Week. Which means I am late, and I hate that. So, let's just look at this post as getting a jump on Mental Health Awareness Month, which is in May. Crazy, isn't it?

Oops. I said it. "Crazy." A word that's becoming more taboo than slang. Because it's real.

Crazy. A word meaning "mentally unstable." Though, it can mean a slew of other things too. 
"Let's go crazy."
"That dinner was crazy bad." 
"These kids are driving me crazy!"

Okay, that last one was a little closer to the truth. Here's my story.

A few months after my third child was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD). Not the "baby blues." I wasn't just sad; I was overcome. The time before I was diagnosed gave me a good look at how helpless a person is when she has depression that goes untreated.

Why was it so bad? What happens to me when things are bad? 

1. The voice. It's my own voice, but it is not controlled by me. This is the worst and hardest part of my depression, and also how I know when it's getting worse. It starts with one sentence - a question -"So, what do you think?" That may seem innocuous enough, but it's a question without an answer. I can't think any other thoughts. There's no space to give an answer. This is immobilizing because when I realize the record is playing, skipping, I become anxious in my inability to think any other thought. I can do the reflexive motions of blinking and breathing, but I couldn't tell myself to blink or breathe. I'll find myself wandering from room to room, because my brain can't give a direction to do something. The stress of this is exhausting.

Sometimes, the question changes. But it's always in the 2nd person, which I find unnerving.

2. Negative thoughts. Sure I know they aren't true, and I do everything I can to keep them to myself so others won't yell at me for thinking them, but they flow through my brain like water in a stream. In my untreated condition, I hear about how ugly, fat, or dumb I am. For some reason every awkward or humiliating moment in my life seems to float to the surface. And again, it's always in the 2nd person - "How can you be so stupid?" "Why on earth would you do such a thing?" "You can't wear that. People might see you!" "You're too fat to go out like that." 

"I hate you."

Either these thoughts are blinding, or depression truly affects your vision. I "see" myself as overweight. (Though I would NEVER say this out loud - I am completely conscious of young ears around me. I can't really even believe I'm blogging it.)  Thankfully, I had a friend in college tell me, "Nobody who wears a size 6 can call herself fat." I know my weight, BMI, and cholesterol. I am aware I am not overweight. But I can't see that. I can only "know" it. 

Even more than that, I'm bothered that my appearance means that much to me in the first place. (In my untreated condition.)

3. Anger and intolerance. If I can't see myself doing things right while in my untreated condition, neither can my family. My angry outbursts at my children was my number one reason for talking to my doctor. I never beat them, and really, they laugh at my spankings, but I yelled myself hoarse. I hope they don't remember that Mommy too clearly.

4. Tears at the ready. This goes along with #3. Inevitably, I would see how I yelled or believe the voices. It really isn't how I want to be, and remorseful tears would begin. 

Then I started medication. Amazingly, everything went back to the way it was supposed to be. (Notice I didn't say "normal.") That was my first clue that the medicine was filling a gap of something missing in my brain. 

My brain lacks the proper balance of chemicals. If they aren't righted, my brain/body doesn't function as it should. Just like if a diabetic doesn't have the right balance in his body of insulin, bad things could happen to his body too. Sure, he could pray for God to make the insulin in his body work, and I don't doubt He could do it. But maybe, God's answer is the medicine created to help get those chemicals in line. The same goes for depression.

Another point to make in my situation is that I have a small tumor on my pituitary gland (located: in the brain. function: control the release of hormones to the rest of the body.) This may or may not have any effect on the other chemicals released by my brain. It could be this way for many other women as well. Twenty-five percent of American women have such a tumor, and very few know it. (Mine was found after an MRI scan of my brain looking for a source of seizure problems.)
In case you missed it, yes, I said it. I take medicine for depression. Hopefully, you would never have guessed it, because I am good about taking my medicine. I take the lowest dose possible of venlafaxine. But on a day that I forget to take it, I can certainly tell.

Why am I so nervous about revealing to the world that I am on medication? Because some of you don't think I need it. Some of you are of the ilk that medicine is a drug, (okay, it is) and that drugs are bad. Sometimes yes. But not always. 

After a few months on the medication, my doctor and I decided to discontinue it. I firmly believe when medicine can help, it should be used, and when it is no longer needed, it should be stopped. (Logical, right?)

You see, I tried going off a few times. Each time has been the same. Right back to the same voices and behaviors I experienced in in my untreated condition before. I tried to get used to it, to see if maybe it was some kind of withdrawal, but with symptoms increasing over the next few weeks, my doctor and I decided I needed to go back on.

To note: I've done the same thing with my cholesterol medication. My cholesterol skyrockets when I am not on meds.

Back to the issue of my faith. Tracy, Why don't you just ask God to help you through your difficult moments?

Although I see the VALUE of prayer, and I KNOW that God could bring me out of this pit if I ask, when the neurons are misfiring and causing the broken record to play, I can't find the room in my brain for any other thought, valuable as it may be. I literally cannot pray.

Will I ever get better? I have no idea. I'll keep trying to find out. It would be great to give up the medicine, and I am perfectly willing. But I'm not willing to live without all the proper chemicals my brain needs. If my brain will manufacture them on their own, great! If it needs some outside help, I'm okay with that too.

Why was it so important to tell you all this?  Because to this day I am waiting to hear that someone else has gone through what I have. Hopefully the person who has was looking for me too and maybe now realizes that it's time to talk to a doctor. Every brain is different. Some just need a little more help adjusting in life.

*Note- This is based on my personal experience.
** Please visit the site below for more information and complete list of symptoms.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml




2 Comments
George Gibson
10/17/2013 01:36:34 am

Tracy,I pray you read this w/ understanding. In my years as an elder & the posessor of a"face people tell things to",I've heard the same story many times. Given the complexity of the human body & ALL the possibilities for imbalances,it's God's own"miracle"any of us are"normal".If meds keep you healthy,you take them. Confession:I,also,hate taking"pills". BUT I have inherited thyroid problems from my dear mother. I take meds or eventually it will kill me. Not next week or next year;but eventually. You know me well enough to know I HATE dependency. But I also enjoy living. So we are both commanded to live until called for. I'm not thrilled w/ this note but, as you said,if it helps someone,so be it.

Reply
Michelle Riehl link
10/17/2013 06:48:55 am

Thank you for your transparency. That valley in your life was not a pretty place, so I can attest to what you truly went through. I can also attest to the benefits of the meds for you!! I hope that others will also see the need for seeking medical assessment and free themselves to live fully. I hope that those who don't need it are able figure out what they do need.

Reply



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    This is the personal blog of T.C. Slonaker, author of the Christian YA fantasy series, The Angelmen.  Read about her thoughts on parenting, faith, marriage, and the world.  You never know what you're going to get!

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  • Home
  • The Angelmen Series
    • About the Angelmen Series
    • Trailers
    • Hierarchy of the Beings
  • Books
    • Amity of the Angemen >
      • Sample of Amity of the Angelmen
      • Amity Trailers
      • Reviews of Amity of the Angelmen
    • Asher of the Angemen >
      • Sample of Asher of the Angelmen
      • Asher Trailers
      • Reviews of Asher of the Angelmen
    • Caedmon of the Angelmen >
      • Sample of Caedmon of the Angelmen
    • Malachi of the Angelmen >
      • Sample of Malachi of the Angemen
    • The Battle >
      • Sample of The Battle
  • About T.C. Slonaker
    • About Me
    • Interviews
    • Beliefs
    • What Am I Doing Now?
    • Quotes
    • How I Became Published
  • Blogs
    • Passion Under Grace (T.C. Slonaker's blog)
    • Tracy's Top Ten
    • T1D Family Life, While We Are Waiting …
    • Woman on Sports
    • The CDO Writer
    • What's On My iPod
  • Humor
    • Body Language >
      • Chapter 1: About Going for a Ride
      • Chapter 2: Stomach Revolts
      • Chapter 3: A Surprise Early Morning Gym Visit
      • Chapter 4: Birthday Present
      • Chapter 5: Laziness and Cats
      • Chapter 6: Thinking Ahead, I Think
      • Chapter 7: Learning About Softball As A Grown-Up
      • Chapter 8: Allergies, Smallergies
      • Chapter 10: A New Machine at the Gym
      • Chapter 11: After the Flood
      • Chapter 12: Asthma (not so funny)
      • Chapter 13: Birthday
      • Chapter 14: A Snake
      • Chapter 15: Pituitary Coup
      • Chapter 16: My Shorts Don't Fit, Part 1
      • Chapter 17: My Shorts Don't Fit, Part 2
      • Chapter 18: An Accident
      • Chapter 19: An Accident, part 2
      • Chapter 20: On Vacation
      • Chapter 21: Getting Work Done in the Summer
      • Chapter 22: Listening to a Game on the Radio
      • Chapter 23: Interview With a Pancreas
      • Chapter 24: I Don't Have a Cold
      • Chapter 25: Collision at the Plate
      • Chapter 26: The Aftermath
      • Chapter 27: Moving On
      • Chapter 28: At the Beach
  • Events
  • Contact Me
    • Ask A Question!