It's been a while, hasn't it? The fairy tale writers of 'ole are long since retired. We never seem to tire of their content, even though they are further and further from the realm of possibility. The characters, especially, are tough to relate to. There aren't too many royal families about these days, though, I will admit. It is fun to watch William, Kate, and the littles. Still, the fairy tales we are used to don't take into consideration the hassles and struggles of today's day and age. Not once is the speed of their wifi connection mentioned. Sure they had to do a lot of walking or carriage riding, but never once do these characters ever seem to encounter traffic.
We keep reading them because the morals are pretty good and almost always still relevant, at least for the education of small children. For some reason, it's pretty hard to get adults to understand that all people are created equal.
Well, anyway. I thought maybe I would go through some of the most popular stories and see if I could throw in a few changes that would help today's children better relate to the characters (for better or worse!) Here's what I came up with.
First, her name needs to be changed. Her step-sisters put her in charge of setting the iRobot schedule, so they actually call her Roombella now. Those step-sisters are so mean; they won't let her go clubbing with them. But would Roombella want to be seen with them anyway? Their jeggings look hideous. Fairy Godmother shows up with bags from the mall with some really stylin' clothes for her, so she can go out to a very special party. After finding a very nice man to talk to, Roombella suddenly has to run. Her Uber driver is waiting! On the way out, though, her Ugg falls off. Her mystery man asks many others to try on the boot to see who it fit, but guess what? It fits everyone. Because it's a boot.
2. Snow White
The evil queen chases Snow White away because she sees that more people liked her profile on Instagram than hers. So, she has to run away.
Coming across 7 sloppy men in the forest, Snow White would not dare enter their cottage without some pepper spray. Looking at their beds, she can read their names, by the emojis posted on them: Smiley, Winky, Angry, Lovey, Weepy, Silly, and Poop.
The 7 vertically challenged men do manage to save the princess from the queen, who disguises herself as a homeless person, offering her a poisoned latte.
Oh, and another name change. I don't have to tell you why. Her name is now Prefer Not To Answer.
3. Beauty and the Beast
Well, there would be no problem with people accepting the Beast. Why would there be? What, are we that superficial? Belle had better fall in love with him, or else he could totally blow up her Facebook with what a snob she is. But instead of a library, he only needs to win her heart with a fully loaded Kindle. Of course, it's a good thing he is homebound, because his road rage could totally be a deal breaker.The Beast, however, remains in his locked away chalet forever. No one can come in to try to attack him because there is a protest line out in front to keep the endangered Beast from being taken to a zoo.
4. Hansel and Gretel
The witch winds up eating her own house. Hansel is allergic to nuts, and Gretel can't have gluten, so the children just walk on by. Good thing for the children, too! The eggs used in the gingerbread were recalled due to contamination with Salmonella, and the witch died.
5. Humpty Dumpty
Keep driving. If you see a guy fall off a wall and break into a hundred pieces, he's part of an insurance fraud scam. No one could put him back together again because dude was messed up and no way would insurance cover that too. If you try to put him together, he'd probably sue you too.
6. Jack and the Beanstalk
The story ends where it begins. Magic beans? Never take magic beans. But a magic stick you can plug into your TV to watch just about anything you want. That's worth the Golden Nest Egg. Oh wait… Jack can just stay home to watch what happens on Netflix.
Sorry to report, the prince falls and breaks his neck while climbing, because those are just hair extensions on Rupunzel's head. However, he still gets the girl in the end, because he sues Mother Gothel for negligence in the upkeep of the tower, so she goes to jail.
8. The Princess and the Pea
Picky, picky, picky. The true princess is never found because everyone complains about a bad night's sleep! Also, the food for dinner, the temperature in the bedroom, and one of them even saw a spider in the corner last night. Either everyone is a princess, or they are all just a little spoiled.
The king's daughter doesn't have to worry about spinning gold from straw, because she has Amazon Prime and can get it in two days. That's good enough. Rumplestiltskin still wants the princess to guess his name while she's waiting, so she just Googles it.
10. Little Red Riding Hood
WAZE warns Little Red Riding Hood about the wolf hazard on the way to Grandma's house, so she decides to wait another day to go visit. And honestly, Grandma could take care of the wolf herself anyway. She does Zumba, you know.
How about a new fairy tale?
Once upon a now, a sad teen girl felt like she had no friends. First she went on Facebook and posted, "I have no friends," adding a sad face emoji. She sat and waited to see how many likes or sad face responses appeared on her status. She waited a reasonable amount of time - about 5 minutes - and only received a mad face response and a comment from her best friend. The comment said, "I am your best friend! Why do you say you have no friends?"
"Because I have over 100 friends on Facebook and only one has noticed me. That means 99% of people I thought were friends don't care," the sad teen girl answered.
Next, the sad teen girl went onto Twitter and tweeted, "Im sad. #nofriends."
Her best friend also followed her on Twitter and commented,
"Hello??? #200followers #FeelingLikeChoppedLiver."
But the sad teen girl shook her head and replied, "#The199JustDontCare."
Finally, the sad teen girl took a selfie of her making a sad face and put it up on Instragram. She waited to see if any of her 500 followers would like the pic. She'd even used a great Gingham filter and tagged several people to get their attention.
The girl's best friend sent her a DM that said,
"How many Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram followers/friends do you really need? Can you cry on your computer's shoulder when you need to? Does your computer jump for joy when you have good news? Are those people willing to drop everything to spend time with you? (Are they even real?) Because I am. Let's go meet at Sonic."
So the sad teen girl smiled and closed her computer for the night. She left her phone at home and went out to meet her friend.
Moral: One milkshake with a true friend is worth more than thousands of likes on social media.
Because I love even numbers and lists!